When I wrote about Commanders I’ve dated and more Commanders I’ve dated, I left out the ones I’d never even consider. But these, these are the bottom tier generals that you will never see in a playgroup, except for the one joker who runs a hysterically offbeat general just for laughs. And if you are that joker, and you pull off running one of these characters as your EDH Commander, you have my deepest respect. And pity for your late sanity.
Sure, it’s a cheap shot to include the Vanilla legendaries from the Legends set. After all, the whole set introduced legendary creatures as well as multicolor cards for the first time, in the infancy of MTG. Surely they’d have to have a few duds. But Jedit gets in here anyway just for being too ugly. The art tells a story, and that story is how The Jungle Book live action film was scrapped after everybody saw Joel Schumacher’s concept art for Shere Khan. Jedit is the one guy with the scary fetish that nobody else wants to explore.
Continuing the bad art in bad taste theme, this unpronounceable lass is the perfect example of early MTG art uniting misguided sexuality with dorky art. Yeah, huh, Beevis, she tamed that dragon between her legs, huh huh! Sivitri is the one dating profile covered in just a few too many slutty tattoos to risk getting close to her. Fun for one night? Sure. Live with her day to day? Nope. This girl has psychological issues even Wikipedia hasn’t listed yet.
Dear Mr. Jack Kirby: Thank you for your application here at Nickelodeon studios. Unfortunately, we have decided to reject your application to the design team for Avatar: The Last Airbender. This is based on your art for Aang, which we feel does not capture the spirit of the character to which the fans have grown accustomed. Also, we think you confused him with Zuko. In any case, Johan is the guy with the loudmouth and unimpressive credentials on every personals site, the one which the most women have put on ‘block.’ Because vigilance is the most awesome ability ever, right? You don’t mess with the Johan!
The only good place you could take Torsten is a LARP / cosplay convention where you needed a character who could combine a kilt from the checkerboard clan, armor from Dragon’s Lair, a winged helmet modeled after a dodo bird, and a completely baseless persecution complex. No, Torsten, we’re not cringing because you’re mistaken for evil. We’re cringing because you’re embarrassing us. Go wait by the concession stand and try to be invisible.
Normally in online dating, the serial killer is harder to spot. But this guy puts out so many red flags you don’t know where to begin. More piercings than the cast of Hellraiser put together, sprouting an eye-gina from his Lovecraftian brow, and sporting a screen nick that would even make the most hardened Dominitrix giggle “Get over yourself!” Normally we like our black creatures to look metal enough for an Iron Maiden album cover, but not when they’re actually so wimpy that they belong to two tribes while not belonging to the only one they want you to run. See you in the police sketches, Yukora!
Continuing the Kamigawa theme of legendaries with names that sound like massage parlors in the Bangcock section of Hell, Shimatsu is yet another creature with an ego that outweighs his abilities by a factor of ten. Sure, we’ll throw away all our stuff just to go out with you. Wait, that’s all it does is feed you? You don’t do anything else, you just get fatter? Thanks, but we could date Taz and get that deal, and at least Taz is funny. And another forehead eye-gina! Who has this fetish and how did they end up at Wizards of the Coast?
Iname has the mana cost that makes you ask “Why not go farther?” Might as well say one hundred million mana, go for broke! And let’s be sure to cripple it by ironing out the possibility of reanimating it with a nice, cheap Zombify. Heaven forbid we let users exploit the possibility of tutoring out… um… in these colors, something like Bloodghast or Will-o’-the-Wisp, that’d break the game in half! Iname is the big fat slob who thinks they’re God’s gift and can’t understand why their inbox isn’t brimming with passing catcalls.
Karona is easy to peg: The dating profile whose owner loudly declares that they’re “poly” and how they’re so enlightened that they’ve seen through the petty fetters of conventional “selfish love.” In fact, Karona is the type who just wants to abuse every alt-stereotype at once to arrange the rules so they get to do whatever they by god please. Sure, they’re tempting with how powerful they are, being all colors at once, but in the end they’re far too much trouble to be worth keeping around, especially when they turn on you.
Taniwha is the one potential partner who clearly has a place in some world, but that world is light years away from this one. It really says something that this is a 5-drop 7/7 on the reserved list who is currently priced at 44 cents. Phasing just blows that hard. People think phasing works like exile, but in fact it acts like a lame weak-sauce kind of exile that doesn’t count in any of the ways you’d be able to use to break it.
Just too goofy for his own good. Boris is the guy from the 1970s still driving around in his detailed van with the fuzzy dice on the mirror and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer on the 8track, smelling like cheap incense without even being cool enough to score the drugs you’d normally cover up with incense. He thinks he’s still got it, and if you’re a sagging Boomer with armpit hair that hasn’t been shaved since Woodstock, you’ll agree. The rest of us see an overpriced The Hive on a stick, and giggle at how humiliating it is to be restricted to only summoning minor demons. The more you laugh at him, the more indignant he appears.
We saved the most notorious for last. The rest of the denizens of this list are old flames from many blocks ago, not bothering anybody except when you have to flip past them in the jank trades binder. Emmara is from Dragon’s Maze, in Standard up to just a year ago. She crashed hard. No matter how many spirits, centaurs, and elves you cast around her, damage-proof tokens just aren’t going to make that 5GW mana cost go away. Emmara, the biggest elf with the fattest rear ever printed, is in fact perfectly represented in the dating pool: She’s the only child. Her parents named her something cutesy-precious and raised her to think she was a little princess. She was home-schooled with only her imagination for a playmate. And there she stands at the park, bewildered that nobody came to her birthday party even though her parents hired real live animals from the zoo.
Thank you all for reading along on our little flight of fancy. But next time, we gotta talk about something besides Commander, this is three posts in a row.